Confidence

It's been a weird week at the Call house. We left off in our infertility struggle by saying we'd met with the doctor and we'd be trying an IUI this month. Well, they time that by my cycle, which means when we get a positive ovulation test, we call the clinic and make the appointment for the next day. I've been charting my ovulation for the past 18 months, so I know that it normally happens around day 18. Well, day 18 came and went and no positive test. C and I had somewhat written off this month. We called the doctor and he said sometimes this just happens and we'll just have to wait for next month. Not what I wanted to hear, so C and I moped around the house and watched Star Wars [which I quite enjoyed!] Spirits were low. Today, I worked from 10-5. I'm supposed to take that blasted test around 1pm every day, and I'd forgotten the test at home. C brought me one [begrudgingly...we'd already given up this month]. And I went to take it. Lo and behold, that blessed little digital smiley face was staring back at me! Thank heavens there was no one in the store. I bounded out of the back room and told C what was up. Texts and phone calls were made and the family was on board.

And then the emotion really started to sink in.

There are so many people pulling for us. There are so many people that could possibly be let down.

For so long, this has just been a thought. We didn't think it would ever actually happen. And yet, here we are. It's exciting, terrifying, and exhausting all rolled into one.
To think, I could find out I'm pregnant in just over 2 weeks....! (do I dare even think that?)

.

To think, I could have to dash more hopes than C's and my own if things don't work out. It's a lot to deal with.

C and I deal with these intense emotions in our own ways. C pounds a sleeve of oreos. I, on the other hand, continue to freak out. I need some serious confidence. Luckily, my mom understands this and has prepared for such an occasion. My mother is incredible. She teaches piano and sewing to save up what's called the MDEF fund. [pronounced mmm-def]. It stands for "mother's of daughters getting their education fund." And it started as a way to help us girls through college. Now, though, the MDEF fund is more like I'll "M"-ost DEF"-initely need a new outfit for tomorrow.

So, thanks to the MDEF fund, I will be looking fabulous, even if I feel like just breaking down and crying from all the hope/anxiety/intensity/fear/courage/adrenaline/etc. that's pulsing through my veins. Thanks mom.



and so it begins.

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