Happy, Table for 2

One of my favorite blogs posted this on Friday:

There’s a lot of happy coming up which makes waking up each morning very easy.

I hope you have much happy coming up, too.

My first thought was, I miss having much happy coming up. I remember what that felt like.

I have not been happy. I have not been trying very hard to see the "happy coming up." And waking up each morning has been anything but easy. If you asked me this morning, I would have denied ANY happy coming up. Some days its just harder to see.

I've thought a lot about this today and I've figured out that focusing on the happy that just happened helps me focus on the happy that's coming. Remember this? Well, I wrote it for a rainy day. Yesterday, it snowed. I'm thinkin' that counts.

Here's the issue.

I've been focusing on the fact that we can't have children right now.

I could spend all that energy focusing on the fact that my husband is the bomb. AND he has a love like woe. (<-- mostly, the music video just makes my typographical heart explode. Although, I'm thinkin' they meant "whoa" not "woe.")

I've been focusing on the fact that I STILL can't eat sugar.

I could spend that energy focusing on the great things that have happened to my body because I haven't eaten sugar for almost a whole year. (sugar = treats people. cakes, candy, cookies, etc.)

I've been focusing on not being home ever, loathing the childlessness because I would get to stay at home and be the wife (and mother) I really want to be.

I could (and should) be focusing on my stellar job that we are so blessed to have right now. I mean, really, I'm among the lucky few in the world (and in my graduating class) that is actually using her degree and being appreciated for my intelligence.

I've been focusing on our completely static savings account, and the feeling that we've been scrimping and saving and that number never goes up.

I should realize that it's pretty awesome that we have a savings account in the first place and have the ability to not live paycheck to paycheck or be in debt at this point in our lives.

And most of all, I've been focusing on the fact that we. are. still. in. Utah. augh. and it is still cold. and it snowed yesterday. and my feet haven't thawed out for about 6 months, unless I take a bath, after which they freeze right back up again.

However, I overlooked the fact that we are moving to TEXAS (eep!) not Iowa, the land of the -80 degree winters, in a little while. That is a large dose of happy coming up! Somehow in all my pessimistic stubbornness, I have insisted that Texas is too far away to look forward to. It's too far away to be excited about. It's too far away to be considered "coming up." But honestly, the only things that are too far away for me to be excited about are because I decide they  are.

I am so excited to be a mother. I really look forward to that. I'm grateful for the chance I have to prepare myself better for that holy responsibility.

I can't wait to move to Texas, but at the same time, we have some amazing friends here. There are moments when I can't wait to get out of town, but there are others when I am so sad to be leaving even if it's not happening right now because I know these people were sent to help us and make this stage of our lives a total blast.

I can't wait to buy a house when we move. I can't wait to be able to paint. I can't wait to have a yard and a garden and a dog and hopefully a baby for the nursery I've got all planned out in my head, but right now we have an incredible apartment. It is the least expensive, nicest, largest apartment in Orem/Provo, we are so lucky that things fell into place so we could move in.

So, if you've made it this far, congrats. I know that was a lot of rambling. But a wonderful friend of mine came over yesterday and put everything into perspective. This sweet lady is going through the nastyness that is infertility too, but she said something that really stuck with me.

Faith is a choice.

I asked C a couple days ago, amidst tears, what I was going to do with my life if we never had kids. Would I work the entire time?

C said of course not. You'll stay home with our babies, because we're going to have kids.

See the difference? I chose to be in despair. C chose to have faith.

I think I've been in this funk for long enough. It's time to snap out of it. C is generally a happy guy. I think it's time to make that choice for myself. Choose to be happy, choose to have faith, choose to keep the negativity out of my life.

It's about time that C got some company at the happy table.

Happy, table for 2. :)

So what happy is headed your way?


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