Mountains and Valleys
For the past few months, Cam and I have been pretty much on cloud 9. After 2.5 years of working and crying and praying and hoping and everything else that comes along with infertility, we are expecting! We've come to the top of the mountain. We did it!
I caught myself, during General Conference, listening to all the talks about trials and kind of blowing them off. I thought, "these don't apply to me. We conquered our trial."
And while, yes, I believe that our successes deserve to be celebrated and recognized, there is a whole lot wrong with this mentality.
It bothered me that talks I would have clung to during the past few years now got ignored or disregarded in my mind. And I tried to figure out what I was supposed to learn from this realization.
When we first got our diagnosis, my initial thought was "this isn't about me." It helped me stay away from the "poor me" that was so easy to slip into. This was about my babies, about my husband, about my family. Not to say that there wasn't a ton of dark days, crying in the shower, etc. But I gained an incredible understanding of eternal perspective and the power it holds. That perspective helped me keep from getting bitter, questioning God, and turning against Cam (for the most part.)
Basically, I was on my A-game spiritually.
And you will never hear me say I would trade infertility for anything. I learned more about myself, my Savior, my Heavenly Father, my marriage, my children in the past 2 years than I ever could have without it. And I am grateful for it.
The thing is, I really hope my trials aren't over. (And considering there are two little peaches in my belly, I'm pretty sure they aren't!) While everything when you're in the trenches seems horrible, I truly believe that during our time of want, our Heavenly Father had never been more aware of us.
Spiritually speaking, I have totally slacked since we got our wonderful news. It's been 3 months and I have barely cracked my scriptures open outside of our family study.
How terrible to say "thanks! We got what we wanted! We don't need you anymore!" That could never be further from the truth. I need a perspective shift, again. To realize that I need my Heavenly Father more than ever to guide me as I prepare for this responsibility. To realize that I need His help to get me back on my feet and get my head around being a stay-at-home wife and mother. To realize that I need His help in all aspects of my life, not just ones I pick and choose.
Bottom line is, the trials are far from over. I need to keep my guard up and continually be aware of the influence of Satan around me and my family. Luckily, I feel prepared to deal with just about anything so long as Cam is by my side. And he is. Always.
Those talks still apply to me. I think it's time to go back and really listen to them with an open heart and learn all that I can from the inspired counsel given to me.
Because there is a serious high when you reach the top of the mountain, and I can't believe that I will never get to feel that exhale, that triumph, that relief, that joy, that pride again.
I hope there are plenty of mountains in our future. And the time to prepare for them are when we're enjoying the beautiful valleys.