The Details

A couple days ago, we posted this:

And we are overwhelmed by the support and well-wishes of so many of our friends. First off, let's talk about those darling boys. My heavens they are handsome. And a major thank you to Jill Witt Photography for capturing this precious day for us.

We took these family photos the morning of the frozen embryo transfer. I was anxious, nervous, distracted. I couldn't stop thinking about that little embryo. I was terrified it wouldn't survive the thaw. These pictures. That morning. It re-focused me on the reason we do every shot, take every pill, pay every cent. Our sweet family. And I lost track of time during that photo shoot. Time finally stopped mattering to me so much. I had been counting the days, hours, minutes. And it stopped. I'm so grateful that the last few hours we were a family of four are captured in such a beautiful way.

And then there's this guy.

If I knew how to communicate just how much confidence he gives me, I would write out every word. But this picture seems to do that. It makes me cry every time. I am so grateful for him. And to be able to see our relationship on such an important day, this picture is such a gift.

Just under 3 years ago when we did IVF to get pregnant with the boys, we had one little precious embryo left. That embryo was frozen at 5 days old. And that embryo was on my mind ever since. I know the boys are young. And oh, I cherish them. I have had fears that I won't be able to devote the time and attention they need and deserve as we bring this new little one into our family. But, this baby is also my baby. Our baby. And I cannot imagine how difficult it probably was to hear "not yet" when his/her mortal body had already started its creation. As this baby is my child, patience is not a strong point. And one day I just knew it was time. It was time for that baby to know (s)he had not been forgotten. Could never be forgotten. Not for a moment.

After that day, we moved forward with a frozen cycle. Again, pieces fell into place. A minivan showed up on craigslist the next week with low miles that we could pay cash for. We sold our truck for the exact amount of the frozen transfer. A friend had a great recommendation for a clinic here in Dallas that could do our blood work and ultrasound monitoring.

And that's when the adversary decided to pick up his game. Every. Single. Step. Forward. got messed up somehow. The pharmacy sent the wrong size syringes, so my first shot had to be postponed after we almost injected over 10x the prescribed amount of Estradiol. The clinic here in Dallas didn't get my results to the clinic in Utah correctly. We started our big progesterone shots a day late. I left my suppositories in Dallas after we flew to Utah for the transfer. Even just getting on the flight to Utah was a circus. We had to postpone the transfer a day due to medication mix-ups.

Every one of those medications is vital to keeping our little one alive and growing. And something went wrong with every single one of them. To say my faith was tried is an understatement.

So after all those beautiful family pictures, when reality sunk back in...this is what I looked like:

I accidentally left my "eventually" bracelet at home. I wear it religiously to anything family related as a symbol of optimistic faith. And I forgot it. Add that to the list of things that went wrong. [Sidenote: while unpacking our suitcase, I found out it did actually make the trip to Utah and I just forgot where I put it...] In a panic that morning, I scrawled eventually on my wrist anyway. I needed that strength and that symbol of faith with me, no matter how meager.

And then the nurse brought me a valium. 

The transfer took about 5 minutes. Cameron gave me a blessing. We enjoyed the quiet room for a half hour, just talking about everything and soaking up the possibility of this new little one. 

And then we went home to bed rest. Not being able to pick up the boys was by far the hardest part. I am so grateful my parents were there and that we were staying at Jessica's house. I don't know what I would've done without 4 adults to keep me from getting up and to help keep the boys from jumping on me! 

 I sure loved getting to snuggle with them though. I missed them!

We spent a week with Emilee and Adam and then flew back to Texas where Cam's parents were waiting for us. I was really grateful for the distraction. They spoiled the boys completely and it did my heart good to see them so happy and to see Cameron so happy. When the people I love are happy, I need nothing else. 

Monday, September 9th was Cameron's first day of school. His parents were still here. I sent him off to school and tried to go back to bed, but at 9am, I would be at the clinic getting my blood drawn and then anxiously awaiting the phone call that would tell us whether or not a new little one would be coming to our family. I couldn't go back to sleep. 

Cam's parents watched the boys. I went to the clinic. Armed this time. 

The rest of the day was a blur of trying to keep myself busy and my mind off of things. I browsed Old Navy for a while trying to convince myself I could buy a baby sleeper to celebrate. I text message shopped with my Jill for about an hour. And then decided I couldn't jinx it. I left the sleeper at the store. I was a nervous wreck. 

I came home, went out again to buy the sleeper, turned around again after talking with my mom and tried to take a nap while the boys and Cam's parents slept. I slept for about an hour. And then my phone rang. 

It was the Dallas clinic. I didn't answer. They weren't supposed to give me the results. I didn't want to hear it from them. Ten minutes later, the Utah clinic called. I didn't answer. We had arranged for them to leave the result in a voicemail so I could listen to it with Cameron. 

I kept that voicemail on my phone for 3 solid hours without checking it. In the meantime, Jill texted me Friends quotes and Lindsay talked to me about who knows what for at least an hour. And I didn't check that voicemail. 

We met Cameron down at the school at 4:30. He didn't know I didn't know yet. He didn't know we would find out together. 

We found a quiet hallway. He held my hand and wrapped me up in his arms. I pressed play. 

Hello, little one. We can't wait to meet you!


- I am just over 12 weeks.
- I was SUPER sick. Way sicker than I was with the boys. My midwife [and everyone else I mention that to] is pretty near convinced it's a girl. We will be thrilled with either. But my mama intuition is leaning toward girl as well. Talk about jinxing it. :)
- The sickness ended after Halloween night. Hallelujah. I had been losing weight [still not really gaining it back yet.] and my midwife said if I lost another pound I would be headed toward an IV. Hopefully, we're headed the other direction soon!
- I'm due May 19th.

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